Eating Disorders and Speaking Up

During the darker depths of my eating disorder, I used food to stuff words down when I wanted to speak up and restricted my food as a way to literally hold back on my truth.

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Tension and restriction in the jaw, throat, mouth, and skull are all signs of when we shut down our communication. The physical tension is like a brick wall around our head (and heart), and this puts strain on the body over the long run, exacerbating eating disorder behaviours too.

For many people with eating disorders, there is a knowing that an eating disorder is not something that someone chooses, but rather an eating disorder comes into someone’s life as a way to protect their delicate and complex system that has become scared.

And often, that protection whether it be restriction, compulsive exercise, body checking, chewing up, chewing/spitting, purging, or bingeing, is a response to some kind of danger that was felt in the body when the individual tried to express themselves authentically.

Many of us may have experienced this when we expressed or asserted ourselves, and it wasn’t received in supportive ways. Maybe we were ignored, challenged, undermined, invalidated, disregarded, or laughed at.

This can send out the unconscious message of, “If you speak your truth, you may be rejected and cast out of the tribe”.

And so, relying on food to swallow our authentic voice became a way to cope in a world that didn’t feel safe to express our truth.

We may have a big fear that if we rock the boat (even in the slightest way), speak up, or express our needs, wants or boundaries, that we will be kicked out of the group and have nowhere to go, or belong.

On an eating disorder level, this may manifest as:

• Pushing one’s voice down by over-eating.

• Restricting food so one doesn’t have any energy to express at all or even feel one’s desire.

• Using purging as a way to scream or express all the things one wants but cannot have.

• Over-exercising as a way to run away from what one wants..

• Feeling unsure what food to eat.

• Not knowing when one is hungry or full.

• Feeling hesitant to ask for a particular food that one really wants to eat.

Self-expression, truth-telling, and speaking up in eating disorder recovery

This leads to holding back on our words, our calling, and our heart’s yearnings. And ultimately, this energy of holding back gets stuck and locked in our systems, and is eventually expressed through the body, like acne, TMJ, teeth grinding, asthma, difficulty sleeping, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and so much more.

For those of you who are navigating eating disorder recovery right now, take some time to tune into your truth, needs, and desires, and “get right” with your own truth, and allow it to be free in you – this is the real work, and the first step: releasing the shame and fear from what you truly want and care about.

Eating disorder recovery is about reclaiming your heart’s authentic communication -its truth - without self-judgement or self-punishment.

Then the next step is communicating that truth to loved ones (which can be scary because now we are in the realm of intimacy and vulnerability which isn’t easy for eating disorders), and to be open to it being received as possibly a no (another scary reality)– and then do the work from a nervous system level that rewires those old beliefs that fear that all no’s lead to rejection (aka death) into a coherent system that has greater capacity and perspective to hold oneself from the inside out.

This work not only takes embodied awareness and great courage, but also it requires generational unwiring (and fundamental rewiring) because for many people with eating disorders, we are carrying wounds from previous generations, particularly around authentic expression. Recovery is a deep, multidimensional process.

Practicing speaking up and sharing one’s authentic expression can be done through actual speaking (in a safe and trusted spaces), writing letters or poems, singing, dancing, or creating art. Sharing in a group setting where other people are also navigating recovery can also be powerful - hearing other people’s shares can invite inspiration and courage to speak up and share one’s story.

This is where deep healing can occur: through witnessing, being witnessed, and sharing our stories in an energy field that is welcoming, accepting, validating, and encouraging.

We heal by sharing our authentic truth.

To join my monthly Eating Disorder Recovery Support Group, head here. In this space we invite authentic expression, compassionate listening, and embodied sharing as a way to bring healing and unity on this path.

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash