What Psychedelics Have Taught Me About My Eating Disorder
It's becoming more and more imperative to share our authentic presence. Each one of us has unique and important gifts based on our internal make up and experiences that life has bestowed upon us. From my own dark journey with eating disorders to stepping into the light of recovery, I recognize how much of myself I have dimmed, hid, masked and suppressed. Over the years, I have started to question and reflect on my unique expression and how can I make space for it, without shame, doubt, or fear.
As this is just a deep process for me, I too am fascinated witnessing people come more into their true self, expressing themselves creatively, identifying their triggers and dearmoring the layers that previously held them back. At the same time, seeing other people free themselves and be unapologetically themselves, has triggered me. These triggers just directed me back to my own self that so badly wanted to express too! Indeed, I used to feel fear when those around me would step into their light. I would feel judgement and comparison and resentment. For my astrologer friends, can you guess my Chiron is in Leo in the 7th house?!
In one of my plant medicine journeys, I was able to look at and deconstruct a pattern that pertains to this particular layer that was holding me back. I compassionately call this pattern "hide-and-seek". This pattern would show up whenever I needed some form of validation or approval from another person - which was all the time. In my quest to express, I was constantly looking outside of myself to ensure that others still approved and accepted me. Through this psychedelic experience, I came to see how deep I did not trust my authentic expression. I was quite flabbergasted at how deep and automatic this reaction was.
In this medicine journey, I realized this habitual pattern and quick-to-judge reaction was projection onto others for I so badly wanted to step into my own power as well, but was afraid of perceived backlash, rejection and criticism that I would receive if I took the leap.
This particular pattern showed up in the ceremony as a younger version of myself (probably five years old) who just wanted to be seen, accepted and loved. I have compassion for this part of me who was only trying to look out for me and to protect me. This part wanted me to be safe, encouraging me to play small, for in stepping out, I would be too big, too much, over-spilling, disrupting others and causing harm.
This innocent younger self wanted to be held and soothed so I spent a large chunk of the journey tending to her, and the other part of the journey observing all the times she would show up like a shadow, evaluating if anyone around me had given me the stamp of approval. We ended up playing a game of hide-and-seek. I would carry out an action and *boom* she would show up, looking around to the environment for a pat on the back. I had to laugh.
She showed up. all. the. time.
Somatically, she showed up as an anxious, wide-eyed scan around the room, quick head turns, contraction in the belly and jaw, and slumping of the shoulders in towards the core.
This pattern was very deep. The guidance from the medicine was to just compassionately observe and be aware when she would pop up, essentially bringing the unconscious to the conscious.
And this is of course the essential first step in healing.
I sometimes like to ponder when the eating disorder triggered within me. This hide-and-seek pattern is linked to food as I have used eating disorder behaviours to try to stay small (in all senses of the word), for my expression to be not too much, and to hide my authenticity. In addition, by trying to fit into the idealized thin body type, the external focus on my body was another way of looking outside of myself for that same kind of approval. Indeed, individuals with eating disorders often struggle with self-worth and lack of self-love, low self-esteem, self-rumination and self-judgment, and the eating disorder behaviours can numb, soothe and provide relief to what is going on internally.
If I consider this little girl who showed up in my psychedelic journey, it is possible it began when I was five years old. But maybe even earlier. Perhaps that was when the eating disorder behaviours began.
After that ceremony, I had to find ways to integrate this new understanding. It is through the practice of joining with this habituated shaping, rather than trying to break it up or unlock it. This little girl is inherently intelligent in the protective patterning that she performs. The integration work is further inquiring in what has this somatic pattern been taking care of? What has it served? When did it get established, or how long has it been around? How does it work? In supporting the contraction—physically and verbally—the soma will begin to tell its story. We can discover how the somatic pattern works and what its key purpose has been. This then leads to authentic movement, speaking and being.
Image by Andrea Strongwater