There is Medicine in The Eating Disorder
Why would I have chosen this path of having an eating disorder? Is it possible I chose to have an eating disorder?
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Over the period of my recovery, I have come to see that having the struggles of an eating disorder was and is necessary for my soul to experience.
Shifting from the perspective of being broken or stuck, blaming or in a victim mindset, into a perspective that views the eating disorder as an integral part of my evolution, with medicine, wisdom and insight to offer me, widens my capacity to heal.
When we can embrace our deepest wounds as medicine, we can shift the energy of our suffering. There is possibility to transform our suffering into our strength, and for some, even into service to offer for the world at large. When we see our wounds as gifts or blessings, they no longer grip onto us with such force.
When we make meaning of the situation in this way, we move into an energetic state of empowerment, curiosity, and flexibility whereby healing and freedom can arise.
Recovery is an effort of consciously choosing to deepen, widen, and lengthen our perspective of our eating disorders and our place in the world.
We have the choice to look and tend to our wounds, and to reframe them.
Choice.
let us choose our recovery pathway
For many people with an eating disorder, it can feel like we didn’t have a choice in having an eating disorder. Indeed, at the time of trauma, there was no other choice than to use food and body strategies to cope with life.
There were no other tools resources, or support available to manage the pain. I’m sure many of you can relate that the eating disorder, whether anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, over-exercise, orthorexia etc., was not something you chose one morning. It developed without conscious awareness. It developed in the places where we didn’t have the sight: in the painful places that were too hard to acknowledge.
Additionally, an eating disorder often comes into our lives because it is hard to express or communicate with others what we want. For many of us, the eating disorder developed as a way to stay connected with others because our expression was rejected. We had to choose living someone else’s dream over our own in order to stay in some kind of attachment with our caregivers. If we chose to be ourselves, we may further risk being rejected or left behind.
For some, the eating disorder comes in to numb or hide away from others. It acts as a barrier or separation wall between oneself and the world. Living in that way, there isn’t much exchange with the outside. As we step more into recovery, we emerge more into the world, and with that we are asked to communicate our needs and desires - and that can feel scary. It can feel unsettling to make choices, to set boundaries, to share parts of ourselves, and choose ourselves and our own self-care over another.
This unsettling points to all the places that need to be acknowledged and healed. It’s the growth edge. It’s the stretch we all feel as move from the comfort zone into the spaces of the unknown. So in a way, I do think I chose to move through the fire of an eating disorder in order to learn very specific lessons for my evolution. I believe some of the most challenging moments have been the most powerful as they often lead to increased awareness and understanding.
Eating disorder recovery is about bringing increased awareness to those shadow parts that don’t want to be seen or heard, and in that awareness there is embodied agency and empowerment to choose another way.
Once we see the wounding and shadows in a curious light, the relationship to our suffering changes, and they transform into something sacred. We move from the dual nature into a state of being. We bring cohesion to the fragmented parts into integration. We bring balance and unification within. We no longer believe to be separate from the world, and see the inherent interconnection with all of life.
Indeed, we open up to the sacred mysteries that emerge from the shadows, and the wisdom that comes from the darkness. In seeing it all in the light of our awareness, there is liberation and freedom.
Facing my eating disorder, with the support of sacred plant medicine/psychedelics, and somatic therapy, has taught me about coming into alignment with my truth.
It has taught me how to express honestly. It has taught me how to listen and pause. It has brought closer to my intuitive wisdom. It has taught me about connection and intimacy. It has taught me how to manage and regulate my nervous system. It has called me forward into deeper spiritual integrity and faith. It has taught me about attachment patterns, safety, and authentic attunement.
It has brought me to my purpose, service, and devotion. It has connected me with all kinds of beautiful souls around the world. It has shone light on compassion, empathy, kindness, humility, and patience towards myself and others. It has taught me about wholeness, dignity, surrender, and trust. It has shown me that the only template to embody for healing is one that is self-love.
As we move along the path of spiritual warriorship, we need courage and commitment, we must trust the surrender, have a sense of steadfastness, and hold equanimity - because sometimes the medicine isn’t always easy to swallow.
When we choose recovery, we see things we can no longer un-see. This is the increased awareness that comes with recovery. And when we see it all, we are we are faced with a choice. We can either continue on the path that we have been on, or we choose another path that includes all of those forgotten parts that have been hidden in the darkness. Once included, the shadow parts transmute into light. So if we choose the latter, we choose to step closer towards wholeness, alignment and inner truth.
As challenging or uncomfortable as this process can be, we can celebrate! We can celebrate this moment as a catalyst for deepening awareness and stepping into more wholehearted inner integration.
Recovery is messy, nonlinear, and imperfect. It's about seeing and perceiving more clearly, becoming more aware of all the parts, patterns, conditioning, layers, and the old narratives. Recovery teaches us about widening our capacity to be with feelings of pain and discomfort.
Often, we think about healing as no longer feeling any pain. Rather, it is about being able to hold what is here, and increasing our tolerance to hold whatever is arising.
Recovery is about training our nervous system to increase its ability to be with the fire, so to speak, rather than having knee-jerk reactions, running away, shutting down, or trying to fight it off. In recovery, we practice to take a breath instead of being blinded by the fire, and making a conscious, aware choice that is grounded, connected, and aligned with our values.
Recovery is going deep within - into the cave or through the fire - and reclaiming the lost treasures. It is an initiation of transformation, whereby we become the medicine we seek.
Photo by Greg Jeanneau 🗾 on Unsplash